Essays....

Last week, I met with my Rabbi who I am working with for my conversion. I feel that it was a good meeting and I really like him. I was given the assignment to write an essay about me. He doesn't want the essay to be about why I am converting, but rather, how I got from my birth to sitting in his office 42 years later.
I am a bit torn....My childhood was not good, it was not pretty and it was not happy. I am the survivor of mental, emotional and sexual abuse; Had I not been made of what I am made of, I would, I am sure, be dead or hooked on drugs. The fact that I made it to where I am, relatively unscathed, is a true miracle.
Do I tell this to the Rabbi and hope for the best or do I just omit that bit about me, a bit that is very large and has served to shape me into the very person I am today.
I would like to think that in the end....we are all truly products of our experiences and we should embrace those experience's for what they are rather than hide them and never speak of them again. This is something I need to seriously mull over.

In other news, we are starting up our weekly shabbat dinners. I am very excited and have so much fun thinking of what exactly I will do every week for food.

School is going well, I look forward to having the summer off to get my bearings and to plan out my strategy as far as my education goes. We will see how the summer pans out.

Life is a funny thing, it gives you just what you need, even if you don't know that you need what you are being given.

Thoughts on Modern Orthodox Judaism....

I am compiling a list of questions I have for the Rabbi I am meeting with. I really don't think it will be a problem to attend Synagogue and to keep the Sabbath and to follow all of the holidays. I do think I will have an issue with learning Hebrew...heck, I have a hard enough time with English sometimes.
Also, what do I do if the Rabbi wants my husband to also convert? I have mentioned it to my husband and I don't know how he feels about it. Anyways, I am making it my goal to have a shabbat dinner every week. I will be needing to get my grocery shopping done on Thursdays after work, it would seem. That, of course, means shopping without the husband in tow. This also means that I need to actually make plans for shabbat dinners.
I am good at planning, sadly, I tend to plan for more food than I really need, but it does actually come in handy with not cooking on Saturdays, so I guess it's a win win situation.
I also need to start looking at Tichels ......in case I do actually do this, I will be needing my Rabbi to send a note to my boss.....this should be interesting.

A New Direction.....

So, I am really really considering the return (I really dislike the term conversion in my case) to Judaism as an orthodox or Modern orthodox process. This is really something that I need to do for my own self.
Of course, I grew up attending church and celebrating Christmas, Halloween, Easter and I imagine that I should, to most people, find some sadness or conflict with my moving in this direction, but I don't. Lets face it, I'm not really that close to my family and I am sure that they aren't really concerned with what I do in my life so they definately won't be too concerned with this path I am on.
I meet next week with the Rabbi of the local Orthodox shul. I know this gentleman so I am rather excited.
Will report back.

no title

I just got home from a work meeting and I had a great time. I think it is a rather rare thing when one can say that they truly like all the people they work with and I think that if you are able to say it, you should count yourself very lucky. I do count myself very lucky.
Working for the coffee company I work for is very rewarding....I love our customers and I love that we are able to make peoples days good.
Can you believe that the company I work for has been around for 40 years? This company was started when I was only two years old and look at where it is, bet they never really saw that coming, did they?

School is going well, really well. I have, unfortunately had to take one or two classes a term because I am currently paying out of my own pocket so that makes carrying a full case load very expensive and not really possible, unless you are really rich, which I am not.
I did apply for financial aid for the 2011/2012 year....guess we will see how that goes. Even if I had to pay for my books, it would still be a huge help.

My daughter is around 3 months along, and she seems to be doing well. I will feel better when she gets to a doctor to get pre-natal care and make sure baby is doing well. I have already purchased a gift for the baby...a pair of Harley Davidson booties, so cute!

I don't really have anything else to say so I think I will head off to bed now.

Babies

Well, as I posted earlier, my daughter is preggy. She is due in September. September 11 to be exact. I feel, somewhere deep in my gut that I should somehow be concerned about what the due date says but then I realize that this is my daughter and as such, this child will most likely prefer to hang out in her womb, rather than come out. I say this because when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was actually trying to bargain with her and bribe her to come out since she was past her due date.
So I have to throw her a baby shower and she wants my mom to be there. I have not spoken to my mother for over a year, and with good reason...she is a toxic person and I am considerably lucky that I have grown to become a stable member of society.
I will be having the baby shower at my friends restaurant where there is a bar. I am going to have to assure that they have vodka and whisky.

In which I discuss becoming a grandma...

Recently, my daughter told me that she is expecting a baby. This will be my first grandchild, so needless to say, I was happy...."OH MY GOD!!!!! YOU'RE HAVING A BABY?!?!" was my understated reaction. I then, like many grandmothers before me, started to plan the baby shower. Trust me, this is nothing new for me. Hell, I remember the day she was born and the doctor said, "congratulations, you have a healthy baby girl"
My reaction? "Ohhhhh, she will look so beautiful on her wedding day."

Anyways, when my daughter told me, I asked her when I could start sharing the news and she told me I couldn't post on FB.....I of course, respect her wishes so I did not post on FB. I sent private messages to my friends and family. See? total respect.

So, yeah, I'm going to be a grandma. I have to admit, I always figured I would be 50 or so when my first grandchild would arrive. At least, that was the plan....plans, of course, don't mean much when the universe decides to act.
This child is such a blessing, to both sides of my daughters family and we are, of course, all very excited.
I'm already looking at Ugg boots.

Paths....

Life is a funny thing. We all come into this world in pretty much the same way and our parents see our paths as something they set us on.
We grow, we learn and we experience things that may lead us to chose a different path than we had originally been set upon.
Eventually, once we become adults, we settle into this idea that we are on the path we are supposed to be on and we go merrily along.

Sometimes, something profound happens in our lives and we realize that the path we are on and that we believed was the right one is, in fact, one we need to get off of.
I am on a new path....don't get me wrong, I am still Jewish, still a believer. I am also a Shaman in training.....I have chosen to follow the calling to the shamanic work.
I know that this is true and right and what is meant to be. I am excited to be here, it is an adventure that I am so excited about. I cannot wait to see where this path takes me.