Christmas

I have just returned home from dropping my daughter and her boyfriend off at their place. My daughter is 21 and is the light of my life.
I don't celebrate Christmas myself as I am on the path of return to Judaism, but my daughter does.
I am her only family here on the West coast, (my ex-husband and other daughter live on the other side of the country)
As her only family, I try to give my daughter a little celebration to make her day a little more special.
I would like to say that this is the only reason, but that would be a lie. I also do it for me. I won't go into it here, maybe never will, but for reasons that are private, I did not get to spend the holidays with my daughters for the past few years, so I try to make the holiday really nice.

Today, I made brunch and we had a nice time. I made waffles, frittattas, sausage and mimosas. We opened gifts, and we watched "A Christmas Story"

I will be honest, I did and will continue to do Christmas for my daughter and if she has children, I will do Christmas for them as well.
Of course, I will also make sure to expose them to Channukah.

The rest of the evening, I will just kick back and relax with my husband, maybe watch a movie. After all, being with those we love, that is the real reason for Christmas.

Down

Had my weigh in today. I am down 6 pounds....mostly water weight, but whatever, it's 6 pounds.
I am finding this new method of WW to be pretty awesome and easy to follow. I am getting 36 points a day plus the 49 extra weekly points.

I also like that fruits and most veggies are 0 points. On the old plan, for example, a banana was 3 points and a 100 calorie snack pack was 1 or 2 points. Now, the point difference may not seem alot, but when you are towards the end of your week and the end of your day and you have a very few amount of points, which do you think you are going to go for? The 1 point snack and not the 3 point banana.
Now, the choice is simple....Have the banana.

I am feeling really good about this and know that I am going to rock the hell out of this.

244

See that number up in the title? Yeah, that is how much I weighed last Monday. This is the most I have weighed in the 12 years I have been with my husband.
This is not good.
No fertility doctor will touch me if I am this heavy, and I really want a baby.
Also, only three of my pants for work fit at this time. This is also not good. I have some very nice pants that I would love to be able to wear but my ass is so big and I have gained so much weight that, at this time, this is not a possibility.
I am not going to sit here and claim that I have no idea how I got this heavy, the fact is, I got this heavy because I just kept shoving food into my mouth....and not veggies and fruits, my friends, but rather, fatty, rich and calorie laden foods.

So, I made the decision that I would go back and join Weight watchers and get the weight off. The new plan, which is called "Points Plus" is supposed to seriously rock and I am going to look this weight gain in the eye and I am going to drop those pounds that I packed on. When I do, it will be for the same reason that I gained the weight.....because I made the choices that I made and I ate the foods I ate and I was the one in control of me.

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood.....

Where I work, I run a Coffee Kiosk. I get to meet many interesting people. One of my favorites is Duff. Duff and I have managed to become friends, I really do treasure her.
Duff has this ability to make me smile when I happen to be having a rough day.
Duff likes to tell stories about the liqour store where she works and who she works with. I am not exgagerrating when I say that there are times when I am doubled over from laughing so hard from the stuff that Duff tells me.

Duff and I have discussed the idea of developing a comedy routine. I told her that all we would have to do is sit up on stage and engage in a typical conversation and we would have the audience rolling.
Of course, I would probably need a prop in the form of an Espresso machine and Duff would need to have some sort of a prop that resembelled a liqour counter.

Either way, it would be mind blowing-ly awesome.

People are funny

I work in retail....this never fails to provide plenty of entertainment for me.

The other day at work, I was sitting outside with a couple of the ladies I work with when we saw a lady come out of the store, pushing a shopping cart. Now, our carts have wheels that will lock up after you pass a certain point in the parking lot. This is stated very clearly. The lady had parked her vehicle over by the pet store, which was out of the "Working cart wheels" boundries.
Sure enough, her cart locked up and would not budge. What does she do? She decides that she is going to walk from the cart, which is still sitting in the middle of the parking lot, in the way of other cars, to her car and move her purchases, one item at a time from the cart to the car.

Along comes two of the Parcels. Their job is to help people with their groceries. They go over to ask if they can help her and she tells them, rather loudly, "NO!! I can do this myself, I'm not an idiot you know!!"
About 15 minutes later, she gets her items into her car and out of frustration, she kicks the cart over, screams at all of us that we should be ashamed to work for the company we work for and tears out of the parking lot.

Good Times.

Athena and my husband....

I have a mini doxie. Her name is Athena. I have a Husband, his name is Dave.
My doxie, she doesn't speak (because she's a dog) so my husband speaks for her. Seriously.

This evening, my husband was making dinner and our dog decided she needed to come into the kitchen, to help, of course.

I told her to get out of the kitchen and she just stared at me ( did you know, Doxies are little demons who like to test the limits of your patience?)
Of course, my dear husband took this as an opprotunity to give words to what he assumed the dog was thinking.

"Oh, you want me to go? I thought I would come in and help you out. In case you dropped something on the floor and didn't want to bend over, I would just clean it up for you.
I like to help, even if it's a sacrifice....it's one I am willing to make because I love you."

Yeah, my husband does this on a daily basis. He does it with a high pitched voice.
It's pretty darn funny.
I don't know which is funnier, him making the dogs voice and speaking her thoughts or the idea that she has thoughts.

As I was typing this, Athena decided to go scavange in the kitchen, to see if there was anything that we dropped.
I asked her what she was doing and she just stared at me, I think she was hoping I would be able to magically make food appear in front of her....She does this alot, and as much as she tries, I still haven't been able to make that happen. She is persistant though, I have to give her credit.

I wish more people had her persistance, would make life much more interesting.

I wonder if they would speak in high pitched voices also.

Communication breakdown

This weekend, I was at a wedding for a friend. The groom, my friend, had his father, who is a preacher, marry him and his new wife.

This friend is one of 4 kids, I have met his other two brothers and his sister and consider myself friends with them. All four of these kids are "good kids". None of them have had issues with the law, they are respectful, honest, ethical and all around of good heart and soul.
After the ceremony, I got a chance to talk to the dad and I told him what great kids he and his wife have raised and then, I asked him something he had been asked, I am sure, by other people before me...."How do you do it, what is your secret?"
His answer:
"Marry your best friend. When the kids are gone, you are going to need someone you can talk to."

How true. Communication is such an important thing. Communication is what keeps us connected to others, it is what keeps our souls alive and thriving.
In this day and age, when divorce is so prevelant and easy to achieve, I wonder what has truly changed from the days of our grandparents. What is so different, when it comes to the challenges of marriage, that is so hard to deal with?

I think the main thing is the way we communicate with each other. The internet has had such an impact on our lives. It is so easy to real time chat with people halfway accross the world and yet, we cannot seem to take the time to look at the person sitting next to us on the bus and just say "hello".
We, as a society, have lost that desire for human contact. It is so ingrained in us to distrust our next door neighbor that when we find someone who is reaching out to us, we flinch away in horror and disgust simply because we don't know how to take the hand that is extended.

The movie "Wall E" is a perfect example of the effects of lack of human contact. In the movie, People float around on chairs, talking to computer screens and not even seeing the people they are floating next to. It is only when one of them is disturbed by Wall E that they actually look around and see the people and the world that they have been missing.
Some would say that that movie is an extreme exaggeration of what we are becoming, but I wonder if it is actually more accurate than we wish to admit.

Imagine, for a moment, what sort of an impact you would have on someones day if you just turned to them as they sit next to you on the bus, smiled and said "Hi, how are you?"

And you actually meant it.

Sacrifice

Sometimes, in our lives, we are called to do great things. We are called to give great sacrifice.

Today, the realization came to me that two of the greatest things I have done in my life were finally culminating in great sacrifice.

I have had four babies, the last two came in 2005 and 2007. I carried those two under my heart for 9 months. Fed them from my breasts for one year each and loved them with my every breath.
I saw them almost every week from the day they were born until January of this year.

Even though I held out hope that I would see them for their birthdays and for the holidays, a voice in the back of my head kept saying "prepare yourself, you are soon to be removed from their lives"
I chose to ignore that voice.....most unwise.

I received the call today....I will not see them again.
My heart, it felt as if someone had ripped it out of my very body.....I am in physical and emotional pain....pain as I have never experienced before.
What had I done wrong, I asked myself.
Did I love them too much? NO....you cannot love a child too much, children need love, it is like water and oxygen to them.

I have done nothing wrong. I impacted those childrens lives in a way that cannot be removed or reversed, no matter the time or distance between us. My impact on their lives will continue on and will have influences on them, even if they don't realize that is what is happening.

I used to say that I understood what mothers who gave up their children for adoption went through, but I didn't, not fully.
Now I do.

Perhaps, I will pack up the photos of them, put them away safely and look at them when I can do so without crying.
What I will never pack away is the love I have for those two incredible little people and all the memories I have of them.
Their dad can take away my ability to see them, but he can never take away the love and bond that those children and I shared.

"I'll love you forever
I'll love you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be"

I have friends who are getting married. I wanted to give them something and so I have offered to perform the ceremony. My fee is much less than that of a JP....I only ask for a bottle of good whiskey.

Or Vodka.

No, I am not a minister, rabbi, yogi.....I am just a big ol' romantic who thinks that when two consenting adults wish to be married, they ought to have that right. I really don't care what they have between their legs....as long as they are finding happiness, who am I to stop them?

Getting Comfortable....

So, I really do like my job. I have the hours and days I like and that work for me. I have relatively little stress to deal with and in general, my co-workers from around the store seem to really like me (cue Sally Field clutching her oscar and crying to the audience "You like me...you really reall like me!!)
Sadly, I am as high up in the company as I can go.....to go further, I need to seriously look at leaving my kiosk and getting into management.
I would lose my guaranteed days off, I may not get all of my holidays off and it is more stress.
I would, on the other hand, have a chance at some real managment, get better pay, get better benefits and would, in all reality, have a career.

So why am I sitting here, talking myself out of it?

Because, deep down inside, I don't feel I deserve it. I have become comfortable in my job and in my skin.....this is not good.

I have spoken to my boss and have indicated that I am interested in looking into the manager training program.

Time to shake up my comfort zone.

The way it used to be....

I am a huge fan of "Mad Men". I love everything about that show...the way people dressed, the way they behaved, the way they just "were". Our world has become so hectic and it seems as though people don't actually put any thought or take any pride in the way they dress.
I work in a grocery store and, at least once a day, I see someone come walking in wearing their pajama bottoms. Seriously, is it that hard or are people just too damned lazy to put on a pair of pants before they leave their homes?
If you desire the comfort that comes with pj pants, get yourself some yoga pants from Old Navy (they are rather affordable) and put those on before you step foot into public.
I have compiled a list of when it is ok and not ok to wear pj pants.....

Times when it is acceptable to wear pj bottoms:

1. in bed or at home
2. when you have a baby coming out of your body and you need to get to the hospital.
3. you just had a baby come out of you and are now heading home
4. you are in your yard, taking the dog out to do its business
5. your child is in need of emergency medical assistance and you are taking them to the hospital
6. during a "pajama party" with your girlfriends.

When it is not acceptable to wear pajama bottoms:
1. going to the store
2. going to a restaurant
3. going to the coffee house for coffee
4. any times other than the "acceptable"list

Why cant we just go back to having pride in our appearance? Is that too much to ask for?

New adventure....

I/we (the husband and myself) have been looking for a new hobby. We used to ride a Harley but he had to sell his bike and he has not replaced it yet.
We have been watching The Tudors on Showtime and have purchased season one and season two.
As we watched, my dear husband indicated that he liked the clothing and would like to get involved with the Society for Creative Anachronism.
I used to be heavily involved with the SCA but due to personal issues and my world blowing up....I left. When I left, I had made enemies but I didn't care because I "was never coming back"...famous last words.

We will be attending a feast and masked ball in January....I will be creating Tudor mens and womens clothing.

Even if the people I angered are there, at least I will look good.

WORK WORK WORK

That is what my life seems to be comprised of...work work work....small break for school....work work work.

Yeah, you get the idea.

Honestly, I love my job. I have a great team of good people working under me. I have made some friends and I can say that 99.9% of the time, I actually want to go to work.
School starts back up soon. Sticking with the Cultural Anthropology degree.....see where that takes me.

I wish I knew why I cant sleep much anymore...perhaps it is the ghosts of the past coming to visit...?

Different topic....I was asked, a while ago, if I could ever be friends again with M. After much thought, I said that I couldn't.
Sure, what we had, as friends, was good....for a while and then, it went really bad. I think that both of us had come to the end and neither of us was willing to "blink" and just put it to rest.
Do I think she over reacted in regards to what I said? Yes, I do.
Do I think I should have just listened to my gut instincts and said "goodbye" while things were still pretty good? You bet I do. Without a doubt.

Life is too short to dwell on the "should have, would have, could have" train of thought. Let me just say, for the record....she is good at her job....I would reccomend her in a heartbeat if someone was looking for an energy medicine practitioner because of how she can be compassionate.
In the end, I wish her pure joy and happiness. Always.

Setting the internal clock....

So, I spent my last day at the current store working. It was a nice day, steady and the customers were wonderful. Except for one, but we won't talk about her today.
With the new location, I have to be there at 6:30 in the morning and it isn't near my house so I actually will have to deal with the morning commutes.
I have been setting my clock to get up at 4:30 in the morning but have not been very successful. I start at the new location on Tuesday and need to spend tonight and Monday night getting to bed at 8:pm....no excuses. Why is it that when we get older we have a harder time adjusting to changes? Changes in life, in the world, in family. In sleep?
I will ponder that as I go through my day today.

Oh, Hi there!

What to do, what to say, what to write......well, let's start with my religious education. As mentioned in my last entry, I was taking Intro to Judaism classes. Now, I am taking the next step in the journey and taking conversion classes. These classes entail trying to learn some basic Hebrew....note that I said "trying".....this is a very hard language to learn...but it is neccessary so I stick to it. The next step is to have meetings one on one with my Rabbi. I also have to write an essay about this journey.

School....I am registered for the spring term for a math class and an anthropology class. I am planning on majoring in psychology and minoring in cultural anthropology. I have to hammer out some math classes first. I hate math....my brain doesn't work well with numbers but rather with language and other forms of creativity. I have no choice though and I will just have to power through it.

Friends...friendship is a funny thing. You meet people and you connect with them and you spend time and energy getting to know them. You build these wonderful memories with them. Then something happens, it may be a small something but it really has such a tremendous impact on the friendship and it damages the friendship. Sometimes the damage can be fixed and sometimes it only has the appearance of being fixed.

It's like a vase that breaks......You put the vase back together with glue and it appears to be "as good as new", until you try and put water and flowers into the vase and you see the water leaking out and you realize that it will never be fixed, it will never be the way it used to be. It will never hold water.

I just recently lost a friendship that was like that vase. We both said and did things that have damaged the friendship...but I insisted on trying to hold onto the friendship because I wanted to so badly believe that there was something worth salvaging and I thing she did too. We were both wrong and now we have gone our seperate ways. It's for the best and the only thing I feel bad about is that I don't feel bad about the end.

.

Work....got a promotion and will be switching stores....this is very cool. I am so lucky to have a job that I like to do. Let's see if I still like it in a few months.

Creating....Been making cards, been loving it.

Marriage....I have been so blessed to have a wonderful and supportive husband....I am grateful that he was brought into my life. We just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary.

It's Been a While

Many changes have occured. I am in the tail end of Introduction to Judaism classes. This is the first step towards reclaiming my "Jewish-ness". Within the next month, I will be starting classes to undergo a return/conversion into the Conservative stream of Judaism.
My oldest daughter has come to live with us....she is 20 and a good kid...she just fell on financial hard times, much like many Americans. Luckily, she has family who is there for her.

I don't see the kids anymore.....painful as it is, it is something I have had to accept. The last time I saw them, I gave him his 5th birthday gift, "Where the Wild Things Are". Inside the book I wrote "To Gannon, on your 5th birthday....Let your imagination take you anywhere you wish to go. Love Tabby". I got to read the book to him, reading was always something he and I did together.
My husband says that the past 5 years I was in the kids' lives, I made such a profound impact that they will carry it with them for the rest of their lives.
I have lots of pictures (over 4000 total) so I can always look at those. Sadly, they make me cry. As they were driving away that last time I saw them, the song by Flogging Molly, "If I Ever Leave This World Alive" was playing....I have it downloaded on my phone now so I can think of them whenever I want. Again, thinking of them makes me cry, but it's good tears.
Planning on going back to school in the Spring.....just have to get my ass in gear.