Sacrifice

Sometimes, in our lives, we are called to do great things. We are called to give great sacrifice.

Today, the realization came to me that two of the greatest things I have done in my life were finally culminating in great sacrifice.

I have had four babies, the last two came in 2005 and 2007. I carried those two under my heart for 9 months. Fed them from my breasts for one year each and loved them with my every breath.
I saw them almost every week from the day they were born until January of this year.

Even though I held out hope that I would see them for their birthdays and for the holidays, a voice in the back of my head kept saying "prepare yourself, you are soon to be removed from their lives"
I chose to ignore that voice.....most unwise.

I received the call today....I will not see them again.
My heart, it felt as if someone had ripped it out of my very body.....I am in physical and emotional pain....pain as I have never experienced before.
What had I done wrong, I asked myself.
Did I love them too much? NO....you cannot love a child too much, children need love, it is like water and oxygen to them.

I have done nothing wrong. I impacted those childrens lives in a way that cannot be removed or reversed, no matter the time or distance between us. My impact on their lives will continue on and will have influences on them, even if they don't realize that is what is happening.

I used to say that I understood what mothers who gave up their children for adoption went through, but I didn't, not fully.
Now I do.

Perhaps, I will pack up the photos of them, put them away safely and look at them when I can do so without crying.
What I will never pack away is the love I have for those two incredible little people and all the memories I have of them.
Their dad can take away my ability to see them, but he can never take away the love and bond that those children and I shared.

"I'll love you forever
I'll love you for always
As long as I'm living
My babies you'll be"